Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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