I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just had sex bonerless
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
