my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
