I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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