just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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