Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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