I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
