this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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