He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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