I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
