really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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