I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
