Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
