I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
