everyone is single if you try hard enough
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
