She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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