i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
