Can Purell be used as lube?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
