My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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