My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
