I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
