Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
