She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize