I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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