I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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