cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
