Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
