Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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