dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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