Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
