I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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