Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
