I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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