meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
