What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize