I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
