I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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