Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize