The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
