My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
