We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
