i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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