i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
