Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
