I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize