You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
