I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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