Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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