I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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