there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
