it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
