if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
