I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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