i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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