if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
