I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
