so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
