just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
