he puts the penis in happiness.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
