so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
