My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
